New Year, new post! It has been awhile and I’m not sorry; life was happening and I got tied up living it! We left off at the feeling hopeful after our consultation with a new clinic. Things were looking up! Steph’s part of our journey however, was about to become a little hectic! Some of her days started with very early morning appointments in Oshawa, before going to work in Grafton for 7am, sometimes 8am. She was up at 4am; on the road by 5am, in Oshawa by 6am (to be poked and prodded), she hit the road again for another hour to make it to work on time for her 9 hour shift. I have no words for this; those that know me well, are aware I can barely drag my ass out of bed on any given day.
** Refer to Ultrasounds & Torpedos post for a full refresher on cycle monitoring.**
The clinic was all set to go; Steph was to call on day one to begin the process. Because we had been cycle monitoring for several months they were able to forgo the typical one month of strict cycle monitoring.
Day 1 – Call the Clinic
Day 3 – blood work to measure FSH
Day 7 – daily blood work and ultrasounds occur until the follicle (egg) is an ideal size
Day 14 (approx.) – Trigger shot to ovulate and ideally 36-40hours after trigger shot insemination occurs.
March 7th 2015 – our first insemination at the clinic.
It was like the first time all over again. We were so excited, but knew we had to be guarded. We needed to be guarded if for no other reason than to protect our hearts from be broken. How many more times could we emotionally endure going through with this? It was tearing us apart, not only as individuals but as a couple. We fought, we cried, we got frustrated, we shut down and we walked away. In many ways this journey beat us up, like really bad, like punched us repeatedly in the face. This was never more evident than the day we learned we weren’t pregnant after the fourth round of IUI. Devastation is the only way to even come close to captioning the raw emotion we felt. Steph questioned her body, what was wrong with her, was this a sign she shouldn’t have children? How could I help her? I needed to stay calm and positive for her, while inside I was so so angry, doubtful, tired, and I felt very much alone. After much discussion and thought, we decided that we would try one more time. That was it. We couldn’t go on with the emotional ups and downs and finically things were tight, there had to be a point when we said no more.
**I don’t know if I have mentioned this in previous posts, but we chose not to tell our families we were trying to conceive. We figured straight couples don’t report back every time they “try” to make a baby so why is it any different for us. Some of our friends knew what we were going through and they were there to support us, to let us vent.**
When we meet with the clinic we told them that this, the fifth cycle of trying, was going to be our last. We wanted to do everything we could to give us the best chances at conceiving. They were 100% on board with us and decided that adding Letrozole (take orally on days 3 to 7) and Puregon (take by injection on day 3 until trigger shot) would be appropriate. We were in it to win it! Steph was a walking pharmacy with a stomach for a pin cushion and nearly no blood left in her to give at this point. She’s a champ and she kept on, keeping on. She trudged through the early mornings and long long days. I think the only thing that kept her going was the thought of possibly one day holding her baby in her arms.
April 10th 2015. We’re clinging to the edge of hope as we sit in the waiting for our very last chance at getting pregnant. There would be no more next times. We had been through the process so many times that it was now routine for us, but this time was different. It was different not only because it was our last kick at the can but because Steph had four follicles that could potentially become fertilized, potentially implanting, potentially become fetuses, potentially becoming babies! Let me tell you, nothing can prepare you for that s&!^! I need more life insurance, more jobs, probably a few nannies, and definitely a bigger house. One the up side maybe Ellen would give us some diapers or something! In all seriousness the probability of all four becoming fertilized is very very low ….but still possible!
Fast forward to 14 days later. We are waiting in high anticipation for Aunt Flow! Steph is expecting a visit from her anytime, any day now. I drove her crazy with the questions “How are you feeling?” “Can you feel movement?” “Are you hungrier?” “Any changes, like are you cranky?” Each day that passed our hearts grew a little more hopeful. We avoided taking a pregnancy test as if it would make us unpregnant or some friggen thing like that! There is a certain explainable fear or dread that comes with seeing negative results all the time. I guess we figured if we didn’t test we wouldn’t be disappointed.
Sunday, April 26th, 2015, it’s just after 6am and I hear a little whisper say “Guess who’s pregnant?” I was still sound sleep, its 6 am and a Sunday, so I must be just dreaming. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be dreaming about babies or pregnancy seeing as that was what our life was revolving around at this time. I hear it again “Hey….. guess who’s pregnant?” I pry open my eyes and Steph is standing beside the bed with a smile from ear to ear. I then fly out of bed faster than I ever have in my life and start questioning her like an FBI interrogator. “What?” “How do you know?” “Are you ok?” “When did this happen?” -Clearly I’m still asleep feeling the need to ask that question –as if this happened out of the blue! I ran into the bathroom and had to see the positive pee stick with my own eyes and indeed it was a very real positive test! We couldn’t be more elated. A flood of emotions overcame us both as we stood in our kitchen hugging each other without saying a word. We didn’t know what to say, we had been hoping and praying for this very moment and it seemed surreal at best. Our life as we knew it was going to change forever, forever for the better. I wanted to shout this amazing news from the rooftops and share it with everyone we knew – and didn’t know for that matter. We cherished the magnitude of this moment for only a few minutes as Steph had to get to work. We agreed to continue this celebration, to embrace and appreciate this amazing new life that was about to begin – just between the two of us for now. We wanted some time to just enjoy being with each other and acknowledging all of our trials and tribulations thus far.